April 23, 2009- In the wee hours of the night.

It is the wee hours of the night. I can't sleep which is one of the many side effects from some of the medication I take. My brain just won't turn off tonight. I thought I'd blog to see if that helps relieve some of the burden. I have been reflecting on how I struggled before transplant and how I struggle since transplant. I feel angry sometimes about that. In all honesty, I find times of great difficulty alongside times of awe and gratitude. It changes from day to day depending on how my body feels. The richness of life has deepened immensely despite this feeling I am worthless and uncertain about why I'm still alive. I wish I could figure it out but it's so much bigger than me. A second chance gives you the incredible ability to forgive and to be more compassionate and generous to others. I find myself wanting it to be just like it was before but then I stop myself and ask isn't it better now? Of course it is, breathing is always better! The struggle is easier when you can breathe. I don't want to dampen my experience with anger, uncertainty and disappointment. I want to highlight it with happiness, accomplishment and peace. I want everyone to know who I am and what it's all about! Do you know who I am? Have you figured it out? Let me know!!