April 23, 2009- In the wee hours of the night.

It is the wee hours of the night. I can't sleep which is one of the many side effects from some of the medication I take. My brain just won't turn off tonight. I thought I'd blog to see if that helps relieve some of the burden. I have been reflecting on how I struggled before transplant and how I struggle since transplant. I feel angry sometimes about that. In all honesty, I find times of great difficulty alongside times of awe and gratitude. It changes from day to day depending on how my body feels. The richness of life has deepened immensely despite this feeling I am worthless and uncertain about why I'm still alive. I wish I could figure it out but it's so much bigger than me. A second chance gives you the incredible ability to forgive and to be more compassionate and generous to others. I find myself wanting it to be just like it was before but then I stop myself and ask isn't it better now? Of course it is, breathing is always better! The struggle is easier when you can breathe. I don't want to dampen my experience with anger, uncertainty and disappointment. I want to highlight it with happiness, accomplishment and peace. I want everyone to know who I am and what it's all about! Do you know who I am? Have you figured it out? Let me know!!

April 3, 2009- Who Am I?

Have you pondered this question? You have to ask yourself how far down the rabbit hole do you want to go to find out? I wanna go all the way. It's easy to describe myself in adjectives but what am I really? If you believe in quantum physics then I am my atoms, but I'm also my cells. I'm also my macroscopic physiology. If you believe in creation then I am a spiritual being knowing there's this interconnectedness in the universe, that we are all interconnected and that we are connected to the universe at its fundamental level, God. I think this is as good an explanation for spirtiuality as there is. Combine quantum physics and creation and it makes up a reality. Reality is my possibility, possibility of consciousness itself, then immediately comes the question of how can I change it? How can I make it better? How can I make it happier? I can wake up in the morning, and I consciously create my day the way I want it to happen. Now, sometimes, because my mind is examining all the things that I need to get done it takes me a little bit to settle down and get to the point where I'm actually intentionally creating my day. When I create my day, and out of nowhere, little things happen that are so unexplainable, I know that they are the process or the result of my creation. You can't really explain it, and anybody who spends too much time trying to explain it is likely to get lost forever down the rabbit hole.

At the deepest subnuclear level of our reality, I believe YOU & I are literally ONE and everyone is GOD!

Ponder that for awhile!!!!