March 27, 2010

Imagine coughing all the time for 35 years! It's hard to imagine huh? It's even hard for me to remember but I remember how it affected my life. It affected my childhood. I got teased relentlessly by other kids who didn't understand what was wrong. It embarassed me all through junior high and high school although the kids realized something was wrong with me and felt sorry for me which isn't great either cause who genuinely likes you for you or who's just feeling sorry for you. It affected my relationships with guys. Who wants to be with someone who is sick alot, coughs all the time and will probably pass on before they do, hate to say it but it's a huge relationship killer especially when your young and it's all about the fun. I was known for non-disclosure at times. All this and more, it's not all bad though, I remember at such a young age I knew I had to go above and beyond to be equal to the "normal" people in the world. It made me independent cause my parents treated me as an equal, no breaks in cleaning my room, doing the dishes and other chores around the house. I still got yelled at and was in "trouble" because I hit my brother or called my sister a name. It didn't stop me from having to participate in gym class. I ran track and was on the swim team and did gymnastics. I partied albeit sometimes too much and I danced in smoke filled clubs and stayed out all night but I lived and had alot of fun doing it. I made a good career for myself that allowed me to travel internationally and all through the U.S. I will say it again, I miss working more than anything in the world. I had a few good/bad long term relationships including a marriage. I finally married the BRAVEST man, the most NUTURING man in the world who really loves and cherishs me. I did a little of everything and I learned alot. The reason I say all these things is because I've been coughing for the past month and it seems to affect me more now then it did way back then. I'm angry, tired and just want it to stop, what's the difference now? I had an expectation. Expectation's are bad, more on that though in another blog. It's been a hard, emotional month but I survived once again. I've been on several antibiotics, had a bronch and was in the hospital for a few days. I wrecked my car. I lost my Aunt and I had a very bad attitude. The month is almost over and just like my life there is good now, I'm on new IV antibiotic for the bug in my lungs that probably came from my CF sinuses. I'm not in the hospital. I only did cosmetic damage to my little "MINI" and fortunately no damage to myself (except my ego). My Aunt is at peace now and not suffering anymore. I will miss her here on earth though. I have a better attitude and know I am cherished by my husband. It's all good, not perfect, but good. I don't have alot of expectation in life now which brings me to the point today, I'm okay!!!!!

Peace & Love, Amy

March 3, 2010

Winter-the theme for this blog! Snow, it's peaceful and beautiful and the air is so fresh after a good snow and the pleasure I get from seeing the dogs play in it is so warming to the heart. A cozy fire and a hot chocolate on a snowy day with your honey, it lasts a moment but then it's gone and the reality of winter sets in. It's been a long winter! We had 46" of snow this winter, very unusual. Unless I'm visiting it I don't like living in the snow, I am a FL girl you know! One snow was 17" and I was stuck in the house for a week. I can't drive in the snow, again a FL girl. I have discovered my post transplant depression just gets worse after football and before spring which in my dictionary is winter. I love fall though, leaves changing, football starts and the days are cooler, that's the perfect time of the year and then spring when the world comes alive again. I like the beginning and I like the end. The point is I feel like that about life. I grow in the spring, bask in the summer sun and revel in the fall but winter, nothing! I feel nothing!! I know that as I celebrate another year post transplant (8 on March 13) that time is critical and all I want to do is grow and bake and revel all the time! I was actually feeling good until after I went to FL for a week but I'm sick now. I start IV's tomorrow and I'm short of breath which is very scary once again. My lung function is significantly lower too. I know I am living on borrowed time and still grateful and totally looking forward to sunny warmer days and when the world comes alive again I hope I will too!!

Peace & Love, Amy